The Rearview

Anyone who has known me for more than a decade knows I have a complex history with substance use.

In summary:

I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol at age 12.

I accepted the identity of an addict at age 14 while institutionalized.

I was in and out of NA and AA meetings for the next 14 years.

I was entirely sober, from all substances, for a total of 6 years in my 20’s.

I released the addict identity at age 27 and the internal shame that came along with it.

I reintroduced alcohol and marijuana into my life at age 28.

I began exploring psychedelics for recreational, therapeutic and spiritual purposes at age 29.

I made a decision to stop drinking at age 32 when I felt physically, energetically and spiritually drained with one drink.

I’m now 34, and every drink I’ve had since, has only confirmed that alcohol has no place in my body. It doesn’t matter where I am: a bar, a restaurant, at home. It doesn’t matter what for: a concert, a birthday, a wedding. It doesn’t matter that it's only occasional. I don’t enjoy it.

I recently came to terms with the fact I kept the option to drink available to me just to protect myself from the shame based perfectionism I experienced in long-term 12 step sobriety.

Today, I’m choosing to be sober, not because I can’t stop drinking, but because I can’t find a good enough reason to drink.

How I learned to view sobriety in the past was as permanent abstinence “or else” >>> I relapse, lose all of my recovery time, and have to start over as a “newcomer”.

Like losing all of my unsaved progress in a word document when my computer crashes- I must climb back up from the bottom of the 12 steps or recovery never happens.

But my truth is: my progress is always saved, I never start over and I’m not counting days.

I don’t judge those who maintain an addict identity, find community in the rooms of AA or celebrate recovery by recognizing length of abstinence. That truly is an incredible accomplishment.

I learned a lot from my time in the program and I still actively apply the steps in my own way; I just no longer participate in that version of reality.

I’ve experienced life on the inside and outside of many different walls, in many different rooms, and in many different roles; I therefore, have an intimate understanding of various perspectives.

With deep respect for those in recovery, working a 12 step program, and who believe sobriety to be a state of permanent abstinence from all substances- I will, instead, identify as “not drinking” or “substance free.” I also wish to celebrate your experience, courage and strength. You are walking a path many do not understand. I see you and I honor your journey.

Intoxicant or not, I personally believe we all need to get honest with ourselves about: what we consume, why we consume it, and the consequences of that consumption; we all need to dig deep and accept no response other than the absolute truth.

There were times when substance use benefited me. It helped me accept myself more deeply and opened my eyes to the divinity around me. I connected in ways I never thought possible and offered safe spaces for others exploring our human consciousness.

There were also times when substance use harmed me and others physically, financially and emotionally. Instead of giving to my life, it was taking from it.

Both are true and to deny that would be a lie.

Highest truth and aligned action exists in the “now”, not the “then” and not the “when”.

I find no benefit to the recreational use of any substance at this time, but who is to say I won’t later on? What I know is, right now, it no longer aligns with who I am. I cannot judge a future self based on where I am right now. The same as I cannot judge myself now based on where I was in the past. Judgment simply creates a reality of fear and shame that lives in the body. I’m unwilling to hold shame in my body for any reason.

So, I release all judgments around recovery and healing needing to look a certain way, and I wholly embrace the programs sayings “one day at a time” and “just for today”.

My choices, whatever they may be, will always yield a consequence; I will meet with that consequence, pleasant or unpleasant, with full accountability when it arrives.

That is my truest salvation.

Acceptance & willingness: Two essential principles of 12 step programs that I apply to my life in connection with a higher power - which is my higher self and the highest self of all living beings on this planet = LOVE.

If it’s not loving, it’s gotta go.

So I told you about me, how about you? What’s in your rearview?